I made a trip to my doctor today. I sorta figured it was my turn, and he could use a new sunroom off that summer home my family has bought for him. I've had a swollen gland on the right side of my neck for over a week, but as I have been asymptomatic otherwise, I ignored it. However, it hurts to chew, yawn, open and close my mouth, and generally hear.
He pretty much had me diagnosed before he touched me, but he went through the routine anyway. Apparently, I have a TMJ disorder, a riveting explanation of which can be found here:
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/temporomandibular-disorders
He said that I am grinding my teeth in my sleep, and apparently I've been doing it for a while. This incessant grinding has been done to the point that I have exacerbated my lymph nodes to the point of causing pain and a slight tinnitus in my hear. Huh? MY teeth? Grinding? What? I looked dumbfounded, I'm sure, because he began to explain how this is all a physical manifestation of being under too much stress. I told him I'm exercising like a fiend, like, 2 hours a day! He told me that the exercise isn't enough. I need help. He did not say what kind of help, whether it be mental, like a pshychiatrist, or physical help, like someone around the casa shouldering a bit of my burdens. He poignantly left that open to interpretation.
Then he said something no one wants to hear from their doctor, but it was oddly comforting-almost as comforting as when I was crying to my ob/gyn when I found out I was pregnant with Maddie after a trip to Napa and he said it was okay, his mom smoked cigarettes and drank gin everyday she was pregnant with him and he turned out okay. My gen. prac. doc said (to paraphrase):
"You know, Jen, men are just stupid. We are. I go home every day and thank my wife for being who she is, and doing what she does day in and day out. You don't realize what you're doing to yourself every day. You're under stress, and men just ignore it. Women are different, you guys get things better than we do"
At which point I almost JUMPED off the table and yelled gospel style; "CAN I GET AN AAAA-MEN BRUTHAS?!"
But then he almost made me cry, were it not for my amazing womanly fortitude and need to keep my shit together, let I be embarrassed in his office next time I bring in my snotty and needy children, because he CAN'T think I'm crazy and incapable of caring for them (self talk to keep self rational helps, sort of).
Then he told me I need help. I told him this is going to be hell convincing my husband, because he doesn't think post partem depression is a real thing. Women should just be happy they had a baby, babies are happy events, blah blah blah. So when I tell him I'm stressed I just know his reaction will be "What the hell do you have to be stressed about? You get to stay home all day?" When I explained this to Doc, he said he'd be happy to have him in the office and explain it all to him. He also said that while I'm not the kind of person to have an anxiety attack and need to pull over on the side of the road, I'm still having a physical manifestation of stress and anxiety and if it gets bad enough he could prescribe muscle relaxers, but I'm only a moderate case insofar, not excessive, yet.
It did not help that when I told my mom she laughed at me and thought it funny I'm losing my mind. I don't think it's funny at all. But, to be clear, she wasn't laughing AT me. It was more like, "I know. I've been there. I wandered around KMart in a daze when you all had chicken pox and that was the only help I got. I know." Which, by the way, it wasn't K-mart, but I can't remembere the store, but it is funny, because I know how she must have looked. Like an escaped con released from her children for 5 minutes. Except I think I must have that deranged look everyday..... Sigh.... She offered some help, but I'll save that for family functions when I REALLY need it.
Maybe that's part of the problem. There's about 2 people in my life who take me seriously enough to tell me to grow a pair and get myself help, and I get that I've perpetuated that problem. I've put myself out there to not be taken seriously, I'm not worthy of what I deserve, and I've made myself a whiny little martyr, but damn, someone should recognize a cry for help when it's out there.
Right?
"I’m wandering
I’m crawling
I’m two steps away from falling
Just can’t seem to get around
I’m heavy
I’m weary
Not thinking clearly
I just can’t seem to find solid ground
Since you’ve been around
I’m running
I’m hiding
But you’ll never find me
Cuz I’ve always felt lost in a crowd
I’m sinking
I’m drowning
I’m so afraid of losing
My head’s been spinning round and round
Since you’ve been around
I’m foolish and crazy
I just think that maybe I gottalot of things to figure out
I’m winningI’m losing
I’m afraid of never choosing
this heart of mine, so beaten down
Before you came around"
Rosie Thomas, from her song "Since You've Been Around"
1 comment:
Oh Jen you are so brave. You made me tear up (not hard to do but still). You deserve some help. Your life demands it. There is nothing wrong in getting it. And no one can tell you how you are or are not feeling. You know that information better than anyone else. I think you need to visit the big O. I am sending you love and prayers.
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