Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Every Day is Like Halloween

Except there's not always candy.....


Okay, aside from the whole "Mr. Chuck Norris is teaching my kid Karate" thing, Jack LOVES the class. Here is posing, wanting me to keep taking pictures.

This is how they look when the bow and say hello. Respect at all times is a must. Also, note the belt, tied in 'fortune cookie' fashion which also happens to be a pain in the ass to get just right.
KIYA! Working on that whole balance thing.
Ferociously he falls down. I didn't think I would, but I do love Karate. "Put him in a body bag Johnny!"

(Kudos to those of you who know THAT quote!")

Back in the Good old Days...

We didn't have any of this "fun" slip and slide malarky. Check out how cool this thing is, an 18 foot path, straight into a city themed bumper with spider man shooting his "web"/ water at you. This is what 5 bucks in the Target clearance aisle gets you, and it's sooooo worth it.

Jack's just getting the hang of it. An 18 foot slide is tough to maintain.
Now, back in MY day, we had a rough piece of visquene plastic, hosed down with a plain old lawn sprinkler and made slippery with a bottle of Dawn Dish liquid. For some reason, I remember calling it "The Wet Banana" but I don't remember why.
Anyways, ours rocked, not like these newfangled Spiderman technology devices!

Holy Crap shit Batman

A good friend of mine from days of old (we were friends from like, Kindergarten on up) sent out photos from when she was in town recently, and OH SHIT!


These cute little peasanty tops that are so in style apparently are NOT flattering, because although my shorts were a size 6, I could have fooled anyone that they had that elastic band 'eatin' pants' look of maternity wear.
The best thing about my photo is that my face is acne free. But the rest of me looks like a balloon, and I KNOW I'm NOT a FREAKING BALLOON!!! I'm no Twiggy, but I'm no Anna Nicole either, and by this photo you can't even tell the difference.

And how shallow that all I see in this picture is how gigantor I look as opposed to appreciating a good time catching up with friends I haven't seen in years.

I'm so gonna burn in hell.

And so are all my fat girl clothes that I'm bringing with me.


As they were:
Jack- Ndugu, named after the orphaned African boy Sally Struthers pimps heavily in the great film "About Schmidt

Nate: Quizno

Maddie: Neglected.

Friday, September 21, 2007

SUCH a GREAT day!!!

We went on our annual apple picking adventure today. Although it was odd picking apples in 90 degree weather, it was a lot easier with 3 kids not having to worry if someone is cold, or going to wind up needing breathing treatments.

Note Jack's little turtle. It's a school project. "Speedy" goes with him everywhere for the weekend.

I think we've already lost "Speedy".
Isn't she beautiful?

This is my personal favorite from today. So typical of Nater Tater!
Just riding in the wagon havin' a good time!
Look how beautiful this orchard is! Rows and rows of delicious, ripe apples! Maddie LOVED the apples!
After we came home and had a bit of a nap (okay, Nate's the only one who napped), we went to a park and met some friends for a couple of hours. Then it's popcorn and movie night because it's Friday (usually pizza too!), and then off to bed. What a beautiful, full, fall day complete with happy family memories, and a few good hours with friends!
You just can not beat days like today.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

White Trash BBQ

Friday we were invited to a good friend's house for what she freely deemed a "White Trash BBQ", meaning "Let's clean out our pantrys and grill it all up!". It was excellent company, great food, and the kids had a blast. The lasting memory, the best part....My friend's hubby constructed the ultimate margarita/daquiri/frappuccino maker out of a garbage disposal motor, pvc piping, and a 5 gallon cooler. Below are some photos, not of the one he made, but similar....
My friend is waiting on the "cover" like above for her garbage disposal motor. It was so awesome, blogging about it hardly can convey my feelings toward this beautiful device.

Wait, didn't I just write about my drinking problem? How can it be my fault when I have friends who make margaritas in 5 GALLON increments?


More Answers

To last weeks quiz:
No, we don't count Dr. Visits anymore. I just think I should get my degree, save us a few bucks.

Names John wanted for Nate: James (Jiminy Cricket anyone?), and Tommy. Sean was all my idea, and Bubba is just now starting to fit!!!

Funny Things

It was brought to my attention the other day that I for sure have major CAT issues. It was conceded by my good friend, who does indeed own 2 of the beasts that if some random animal were crapping in her yard that she would have issues as well.

It was also brought to my attention Saturday that if you don't really know me, you may think that I have a severe drinking problem, and that maybe I don't really like my kids. So what if I don't like my kids??, I KNOW I don't have a drinking problem!! KIDDING!! Rest assured they are safe in my keeping, as is the multitudes of liquor I have stored for rainy days.....

Gotta Run, cuz hey, it's noon somewhere, right?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Yes, children DO ruin your Life.

It's a classic case of how children ruin your body. Aside from the typical 'stretch marks', or in my case pubic symphisis dysfunction where your entire lower body feels like the bottom is going to drop here are some ways giving birth has ruined..I mean "ALTERED" my life and my body. (Freudian slip for sure)

1.) I now have 'flat warts' on my left hand. These warts are unsightly, but caused only by the changes in my immune system during pregnancy and breastfeeding. They can be burned off, but it will leave a scar, so lets just wait a few YEARS for them to resolve themselves. YES, I SAID YEARS!!! I was given a topical immune boosting cream for said area to hope they resolve quicker than a FEW years, maybe it will be just a COUPLE YEARS.

I want to bathe in this cream.

2.) I have developed (during weaning season) an allergy to my wedding rings and can no longer wear them. Unless every few weeks I have them rhodium plated or reset in 24 karat gold. This is caused by hormonal shifts FROM HAVING KIDS!!!

I love my rings. Now I look like crazy white trash with 3 small kids and no rings on my fingers. They all look different enough to speculate if they all have the same father.

3.) I have lost the definition and meaning of the words 'free time". Would anyone care to educate me?

4.) I swear to God I'm still peeing my pants unawares. Did I laugh too hard? Sneeze too many times? Better check the Kotex.

5.) Flat banana boobs. Need I say more?

6.) The Dixie Chicks song "Godspeed" makes me tear up. That alone pisses me off, since I am not a country music fan. Hormones piss me off.

7.) Sleep? What the HELL is sleep? You mean, people don't funtion on a pot of coffee, half a balanced meal, and a bottle of wine a day? Are you sure? Positive?

How has baby-dom and parenthood changed you in unexpected ways? I expected the strech marks, but definitely NOT the warts.

Share with me my friends!!!

Good News!

The good news is I don't have skin cancer, just something on my leg called a cherry angioma. I'll have to google it to figure out what it really means, other than that the dermatologist called it "harmless'. Sweet!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

What were YOU doing Saturday night?

Well, WE (as in Jack and I) spent the wee hours of Sunday morning in the ER. He couldn't breathe right, and John was going to take him in. I think he was reliving BAD memories from childhood. Needless to say, earlier Saturday John had taken the kids in to see the Doctor on Sat. a.m and I'm thinking that the Phys. Assistant who was there didn't really want to be there, because she blew this one.I took these phtos with my camera phone while Jack was having his 2nd breathing treatment. Let me back up my story by saying that if ever you need to go to the ER, bringing in a 4 year old who is having difficulty breathing fast passes you straight to a bed.

Anyway, he's fine, just a REALLY bad case of the croup. But I started to freak out when they determined he had a fever, gave him about 4 different drugs (steroids, tylenol, motrin, etc.), and during his 1st breathing treatment started to barf into the mask. At 2 a.m. the only thing going thru my mind was "Oh my God, he's getting worse. It must be West Nile". Why West Nile? I'm not sure. I just know there's a lot of mosquitos out.

These pics were taken right before they took chest and neck x-rays. He thought that was the BOMB! He had to wear an adult gown because his jammies had sick on them, and the kid gowns had snaps at the shoulders (not good for x-rays). When he got into the lab, they put a little pouch on him to protect his boy parts, and he said "Look mom, I'm Obi Wan Kenobi". Yup, he sure did.

After the x-rays, the tech put him on the bed to wheel back down the hall, but he was having none of that until he saw his bones. So she was nice enough to take him in and show him.

They made him take another round of steroids to reduce the swelling in his voice box, and he had to eat a popsicle and keep it down before they let us leave. We got home a little after 3:30 a.m. and I made the executive decision to skip church, heathen that I am anyway.

Believe it or not, according to the ER nurse, Croup isn't contagious. I'm not sure if I believe her, as Maddie sounds hoarse today, but Jack was actually okay to go to school Monday. No fever and he was bouncing off the walls, so I guess he's fine.

Definitely on the mend, at the very least!

The Answers

The polls are closed. The answers are: I hate cats, duh!
And all of the following were in the running to spell Madilynn's name (MADILYNN being the correct spelling).


Made Line never stood a chance with John and his phonetic challenges. Thanks to all who voted!

Friday, September 07, 2007


Does this look like the picture of something you want in your home? NO NO NO NO! It looks like something out of a Stephen King novel. Keep it there!
Needless to say the neighborhood cat crapped in our yard more than once last week and when John mowed the lawn he got at least 2 fragrant CRAP explosions. WHY DOES THIS SPAWN OF SATAN CONTINUE TO SHIT IN MY WELL MANICURED LAWN? In fact, Sunday, the nasty thing crapped right on the sidewalk in front of the house after I left for the church. John found it, and even though he "likes" cats, I think he may be at the point of repulsion.
Believe me, if this were any other animal, I'd be on a tirade about said animal, so those of you who are cat lovers don't think I'm "cat-ist" or whatever. I don't want any animal crapping in my yard. I have enough to deal with, thankyouverymuch. I must get it from my grandma, because she doesn't much appreciate it when the squirrels and birds "trample" the grass in her yard. Oh yah, that's right. She doesn't like BIRDS in her yard. And ya' know what? When I'm 86, I probably won't either!!!
An 18 foot high fece with a ceiling sounds like it may be a good idea. Maybe I'll suggest it to her and keep the blueprints for when I'm her age.
Rock on.


Yesterday was Jack's first day of the big "4 year old school". This year was slightly easier to manage than last year, since last year I was like, 2 weeks postpartem and sad as hell. However, the mom who had to be escorted by a friend out of the 3 year old room while HEAVING sobs had no excuse. I mean, really, do you want your kid to feel guilty that they are in school broadening their horizons, learning about the world at large and slowly but surely not needing YOU anymore? Be like every other mom. Shed a tear. Feel sad that your "baby" is moving beyond you. Hit Starbucks and Target in your 2.5 hours of freedom and LADY, JUST MOVE ON!

Trust me, I get her point. But at some level that just reaches the point of emotional instability (yes, folks, it was THAT bad) and then it's not good for anybody.

I read once that as a mother, you know you've done your job if your kids in adulthood really don't 'need' you anymore. Sad as that is, I suppose it's true. My job, essentially, is to get them to the point of being self-sufficient, contributing members of society with a good heart and a spectacular mind.

This segues perfectly into my next point. We've started Jack on a sticker chart for doing his chores. John wants him to learn the value of a dollar, so he can earn about 10 cents for each job he does. His jobs consist of Making his bed, putting away his laundry (easy stuff, like Socks and undies), and 2 x's a week collecting the upstairs garbages. I hold no hope that he'll understand money. I taught first graders who didn't have a clue as to what a dollar was, as money is a VERY abstract concept. My goal is to teach him a bit of responsibility. But is this too much at age 4? I don't know.

He was so cute when I explained that he would be earning money to do his "jobs". He said that if he does enough, maybe he'll have enough money to take us all to Mickey Mouse's house. Trust me when I say that's a lot of bed making! On that point though, he is essentially a good kid. And a very sweet one, when it's on his terms and he feels like being sweet.

Back to school. 4 year old preschool was an easy continuation of last year. I'm sure I'll have more to say when it's GRADUATION DAY (yes, there is a ceremony) and he moves into the 'big kid" school of kindergarten. I keep telling John that one day we will wake up, and he will be going to college and we will be wondering what happened to our little "jack sparrow/power ranger/buzz lightyear/and sometimes fairy princess (but we won't selectively remember that one)"???

For now, I can tolerate hearing "you don't know the power of the darkside" 800 times a day.

Life is beautiful. These kids are beautiful. Even if they drive me to drink!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Dear Church...

Dear Church and Churchy People,

So, you've noticed I come every Sunday, and you want me to join. I've been staving you off now, for what, 3 years? The problem is, I don't want to join your little "society". I can't. I don't have the time, energy, affliction, or whatever it takes to be part of something. I bring my kids every Sunday so that they know there is something greater than themselves 'out there'. But here, Church, is my DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
Every Sunday we come, we pray, we sing. For the first 10 minutes, I have my minions with me. And then, after what you call "Angel Ministry" (a misnomer for sure if you took 2 second to really witness the wrestle mania happening under your noses at the alter IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYONE, I send the beasts to the nursery to play. And then, in the quiet of the back row, I have 45 minutes of quiet 'me' time.

Sometimes I doze. Sometimes I try to think of answers to the crossword in the Sunday Trib. Sometimes I Thank God for the peace of the moment since every other day I have a child up my ass 24/7. I get what I need out of church for sure, and I don't need to 'join' to prove it.

I donate a couple bucks every week for offering, don't worry. My envelopes are the ones that Nate has already drawn all over. Scribbles are the hallmarks of our good will and good fortune, tho some weeks I'd rather buy groceries than tithe. I'm sure you understand.
Your classes for new members would probably kick me out after I voice my opinion. Not to mention that 7:00 on a weekday is hard for me, even if you provide babysitting since my kids are in bed by 7:30.
One more thing: I am probably the WORST possible person you could have asked to mentor a 6th grader going into their confirmation class. Unless you are having trouble with teen pregnancy and birth control (in which case send them over for a couple of days, and my kids will straighten their sinning asses right out) you really don't want me influencing the youth of tomorrow. For Christs sake (pun intended) I can hardly influence my own kids enough to eat their green veggies!
So, just lay off me for a bit. I'll muddle through my own beliefs, I'll keep bringing the kids, and everyone will be happy. I promise.
A Sinner who refuses to say "Jesus forgives Me" because that just shows I refuse to take responsibility for my own actions. Hey, if it's okay for Michael Vick to kill dogs with his bare hands because Jesus forgave him, then I'm putting my trust in Buddah.


I swear to god in a case of "You CAN'T make this stuff up", Jack started Karate yesterday. He did great, actually listened to the teacher and was easily humbled when he asked "When do we get to fight the bad guys?" and was told, "Um, never". But the best part???

No, really, the best part?

I'm serious. The best part is that his teacher's name is.....

MR. NORRIS!!! How freaking funny is that? No, his first name isn't Chuck, but still. Seriously, you can't make up that a 4 year old's First Karate teacher ever is Mr. Norris. I'm laughing as I type.

Monday, September 03, 2007

The Pirate Treasure Hunt

According to Opa, Pirates left maps in his attic about a hundred years ago or more. He took the boys on a Pirate adventure in the backyard yesterday, and lo- and behold! There was a treasure, complete with Jewels, and a shrunken head skull bank. The boys certainly seemed to have a good time!

Here is one of the maps, complete with burnt "old" edges and everything.

Here is the "X" Marks the spot in the first tree. That's how the boys knew where to dig!

Note the torch. At times, small shrubbery was in real danger of going up in flames. Here, Jack and Opa find the buried map, and reveal the next clue.

This is the boys before the hunt. Uncle Richie had a "pick axe" weapon, for what I'm not really sure. They all had on their pirate do- rags and were ready for the adventure.

I'm not sure how this picture got in here at this point, but it's great grandma with 4 of her great grandkids. It has nothing to do with the Treasure Hunt.

Here are Opa and Jack, digging away!

Finding another map, and following the directions to the actual treasure! The writing is red, and depicts the pirate "code". For some reason, there was also a bottle of Captain Morgan (Yo ho ho and a bottle of ) Rum buried. I think Nate wanted to drink it.

All in all, my boys had a great time, and what a creative way to spend an evening! Mom Of The Year that I am, I loaded them up with Bugspray, and took lots and lots of photos. Opa of the year sent them on one sweet adventure!

What Happens when Girl Stuff enters the Equation

Yes, that is Captain Jack Sparrow being paraded around the living room in the Cinderella Princess Stroller Maddie got for her Birthday. Captain Pirate Nate Growls pirate-esque growls and takes "Jack" for a walk. Poor Maddie and her Girlie toys never stood a chance....

Family Photo

We were informed the other night at Parent Orientation for Preschool Year #2 that Jack needs to bring in a family photo they can keep. We have absolutely ZERO family photos, because while I have over 900 and something pics on the pc, I am in none of them. I take the pictures.
In a frantic effort to show said school what a nice, loving, happy family we are I decided to have a random stranger at the zoo snap us. Jack was in no mood for a picture.
So, here we are. Happy family of 5. Do you like my rolls? Even if Jack wasn't fighting me, I still couldn't sent this in. Nice belly lard ass!
Oh well. On to find a cute pic of the 3 of them I suppose....

Just seeing if it works...a video from Jack's last day at school...Or the end of the video from where the regular camera cut out...