Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Boy Parts

In the tub last night:
Jack-"Mom, what are these things under my penis?"
Me-"Wha? What things?"
J-"You know, those dangly things."
M-"Uh, show me. Oohhh, THOSE are your testicles."
J-"Well, my testicles ITCH! Why do they itch mom?"
Because you're a boy and you need somewhere to put your hands when you're bored, or doing something in public. That's why.
Thought I needed to lighten things up after my rant yesterday. I shouldn't complain-John's job keeps me home. Even if it keeps me home cleaning crap, snot,urine and vomit all day. I'm home playing June Cleaver, and I guess I like it and am almost good at it on a good day.
Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Well, At Least NOW I Know Why I don't Have any Hobbies

This weekend was, um, interesting I suppose. It all started Friday, or maybe it was Thursday (the days run together when bodily functions dictate the ins and outs of the day) when Princess woke up from her nap, took off her diaper and threw it on the floor...and then crapped all over her bed. She had shit everywhere, up and down her legs, on her feet, in her hands, etc. And I KNOW she didn't poop in her diaper and then take it off. That little package was lying on the floor with not even so much as a skid mark. Dandy! Early bath for you missy!

Saturday John had to take the kids to a birthday party in the city because I was at work, so I came home and cleaned the house because it needed to be done and I was kid free.

And then... he pulled in the driveway telling me he needed the bathwater run. Nate had vomited all over the it was pulling in the driveway. That totally rocks! I think he was just carsick, because he ate crap all day, and was wearing his raincoat (hello hot rubber jacket?) all day and the entire ride home so he was probably hot. However, I 'slept' with him, because the kid can't even aim his junk at a big gaping toilet to pee in it, much less run and quickly aim frow up in said gaping hole.

Sunday the girls were coming over to scrapbook. I don't scrapbook. I write in my baby books, organize my kids photos, and separate and organize all their mementos and art work. I thought I was done cleaning, until Super Nate decided to show us how well he pooped in the toilet. "Come See it! It's bigger poop!". So, as John started following a half naked Nate into the bathroom, Nate, who was excited about his big turd and running full force slipped on his own urine puddle, and banged his head into the step stool we have in the bathroom. Glad the poo made it in at least, but again, even sitting on the toilet he forgets to push his thing down so it sprays everywhere. I got the Lysol bucket out and decided I should probably scrub all the bathrooms. Who knows on what other linoleum floor Nate body surfed in his own urine?

As the girls began to arrive, I helped them carry all their stuff in. These gals are VERY serious about this hobby. Hundreds, maybe THOUSANDS of dollars are spent on this stuff. I jokingly asked John if he wasn't glad I had a cheep hobby (like, no hobby?) like exercise and he goes "You bought new shoes that weren't cheep" or something equally retarded as that. I bought new shoes because my old trainers had holes in them and I have plantar fascitis doofus because my old shoes were 4 years old or more. Really? This is what he complains about?

Now, as I said, these girls are serious, and their work is beautiful. Maybe one of them will send me a picture of their books so I can show everyone. Jen is working on this really cool bible study scrapbook, that as she said isn't really religious, but more spiritual. That is admirable, because I don't have time to even be spiritual. I always have someone up my butt needing, wanting, crying, clinging, hollering, etc.

I realize now though, why I don't have a real hobby. How can I? John didn't really watch the kids while everyone was here, he was too busy doing things he wanted to do, like wire the basement and such. True, the little ones napped for a bit, but Jack was running around with his buddy and reporting in to me, and when Madders woke up she was all over me. It was kind of a pain in the ass-pardon my french, but there isn't any other way to describe it.

This is why I excercise like a fiend for 2 hours a day (that's the longest the kid room lets kids stay for free babysitting.) It is truly the only thing I can do kid free, because even if I had a hobby I could do here, the kids would ruin it-Thanks to the lack of support. Even as I sit here blogging, Jack has asked me about 15 times to do For real. Leave me alone for 10 minutes--I'm a quick typist.

Sigh. Maybe I'm just crabby because I don't really talk to my husband. There isn't any time in the day--he's been leaving around 5, and getting home late...last night it was around 7:30. Whatever he's doing doesn't really allow for phone calls home during the day either. Blah. Anytime else we try to talk we are either interrupted, or someone is yelling/screaming. It's not really conducive to adult conversation, which is mostly why I don't even call anyone anymore. The beasts go totally wild when I'm on the phone, and then I get mad. It's just depressing.

I was talking to Jenny around 7:15 and she was amazed the kids were all in bed already, since the sun was still out. Well, hon, my kids are up and running around the house shooting each other by a quarter to six, Nate and Jack both aren't napping lately, so a 13 plus hour day is long enough for anyone, especially me.

Okay, enough venting. I downloaded the Juno soundtrack today and it's making me feel better. What a fun little musical ditty. Cute movie too.

I better go make sure there aren't any bodily function liquids OR solids anywhere on the floors or in the beds. Good luck to me.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Recent Kid-isms

Me:"Nate, go put the pirate treasure away. There's lots of chokeys in there that could hurt Maddie."
Nate: "Hey Maddie, wanna come here and choke on this?"

Jack: "Hey mom. I'm doing an invention and I just peed on the side of the house."
Me: "Whyever would you do something like THAT dear?"
Jack: "Because it's good for growing things."
(proving once again the nature v nurture battle is irrelevant. Men are just born different.)


Just because it says "Dark Chocolate Dipped" doesn't mean it is edible, as evidenced by the above monstrosity.
Thank goodness I got them free after a 5k race. Anyone want them?

I Quit!

Today I'm tired and taking the day off. Sorta. I'm supposed to be swimming right now, but I'm taking a break. Allow me to explain.

Yesterday all I wanted to do was stay home and get some much needed work done around the house. I've been slacking inside, trying to get the spring stuff done outside so the grass can grow, and the flowers can bloom. The state of our yard has been terribly neglected, since the house was unoccupied for well over a year. That being said...

Maddie woke up yesterday screaming. She's been tugging her ear for a few days and I pretty much didn't need mother's intuition to tell me she'd be much easier to like these days if I'd just get her some drugs. Jack also woke up with a barky cough and complaining of a headache. In a nutshell I left the Dr. yesterday with an ear infection, a sinus infection and 2 scripts for some delish amoxicillin. Ran to Costco to stock up on fabric softener, John's bleu cheese and to get the scripts, ran to pick up Jack's playdate, took them all to the neighborhood park, came home, made lunch, cleaned up lunch, put babies to bed, called playdates mom, chatted w/her for an hour when she came to pick her daughter up and then got Nate and Mads up from Naps. Nothing got done, dammit!!!

So today, I feel a scratchy throat, and my ear hurts a bit, so I don't want to be in a bacteria infested YMCA pool. By 10 a.m., I've done dishes, laundry, vacuumed the entire house, picked up toys, gotten kids dressed, blogged (gotta have some ME time), made beds, toileted Nate twice, waved bye to Jack as Jen picked him up to go to school (I really just don't want to leave today), and have started devising a plan of attack for my laundry room, hall closet, windows, kitchen floor and maybe cleaning the bathrooms, since the scrapbookers are coming in full force on Sunday. (Yay! I get to organize my mementos mess!). These are my bestest friends, really, and I don't NEED to clean for them, but I may as well. Shit has to get done anyway, right?

Ugh. Not sure how this will all work since Madzilla cries when I'm not holding her or at least close enough for her to touch at any given time. I know she doesn't feel well, but DANG! How early is too early to start drinkin'?

My windows are all open and the fresh air is fabulous-but there is a storm coming in, that I'm semi excited about. Then I don't need to look for an excuse to stay home and do what every stay at home mom does-nothing. From what I understand, we just all do nothing all day long.

Now, where did I put those bon bons? And did I remember to DVR Oprah?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cue the Music

This week in our town is "spring clean week", which translates into "Throw out whatevah you want bee-aches" week. In my subdivision, the things being put into landfills today literally makes me a little physically ill. Some stuff, like, perfectly good rolltop desks, dressers, mattresses, car seats, plastic outdoor play equipment, toys, lawn furniture, lawn decos, old records, etc (You WOULDN'T believe this crap) really could have and probably should have been donated to a church, women's shelter, or other charitable organization. Instead, it was junked. Hello global warming! I no longer wonder why you're knocking on my proverbial door!
Getting back to the point, the "junkers" (cue the Sanford and Son Music now) were out in full force last night. Their trucks were reinforced with rebar and plank wooden sides to hold in all the new goodies. While I'm glad some stuff is getting reused, I'm a little sad that there are people out there furnishing their entire homes with garbage picked goods- but since my sister in law stopped by last night around 9:30 with a perfectly useable new purple bike for Madzilla, I guess I'm no different.
I went for my Brick (25 min. bike/20 min. run) workout at about 5a.m. today and was stunned. You can tell who really got garbage picked, because the stuff that was no good was strewn all over their lawns. C'mon people! If you're gonna garbage pick it, at least do so in an orderly fashion! And, on an aside, I can't wait for our neighborhood garage sale the first weekend in May, based on what people are THROWING AWAY!
I stalked I mean talked to Jen today and she said her favorite thing to do during this time is to start "porch drinkin'" (apparently it's an Iowa thing) and watch the poor guys on bikes with their walkie talkies radio to the guys in the trucks what goods are where, and watch the trucks drive and race each other pell mell to the crap on people's curbs. Damn! Since her garbage day ( 2 miles away) is Monday and mine is Wednesday, I think I'll start porch drinkin' with her over the weekend and join in the spectacle. At least it's cheap entertainment.
And, I've also learned something this week too. There is, apparently, a Cardinal Rule that you NEVER under ANY circumstances garbage pick from your own curb. Across the street/a block away-fine. But never your own curb.
Who knew?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Things A Mom Catches herself Saying

A funny past 2 days, I don't even need to recreate the scene. That part is irrelevant. Middle man is quite the comedian lately.

"Nathan, PLEASE stop playing with the ants and come in for lunch!"
Followed by a whacking on the pavement, and a "Take THAT ant!"

"No, Nate, it doesn't count as 'washing your hands' when you swish them in a toilet after you've flushed your pee down!"
Followed by a very pleading, "But they're all wet!?"

"Nathan, DO NOT put your hands in your mouth. Stop...STOP! STOP licking them!"
Followed by: " But mom, I peed on it."

"I'm sure that it's safe boys"-While Nate is driving his Power Wheels Jeep, Maddie is riding shotgun, and Jack is holding on the back with his rollerskates on going for a ride.

"Boys! Leave Julia alone!"
Nate: "But we want to smack her!"

Nate:'Mom, I went poop on the potty. I want Chocwate!"
"Well, go ask Daddy."
Nate: "I'm DONE asking mom, I WANT CHOCWATE!"

And, added to the list of conversations you'd NEVER thought you'd EVER have:
"Boys, it's not appropriate to ask while we're outside in the middle of the driveway where mommy's penis went, or what happened with Mommy's penis. Those things are private, and we only talk about them inside with our family."

Saturday, April 19, 2008

All taped Up and nowhere to go

One of the perks of my job is working with a lot of physical therapists. Today I had the distinct pleasure of a coworker taping my plantar fascitis foot up with leukotape, not to be confused with the kineseotape that held my butt/sacrum together when I was pregnant. Kineseotape is a lot more stretchy, leukotape is freaking like duct tape, but it feels good. And I have a sports related injury, so I feel okay about looking like a freak for a while.

I'm resting my foot until Monday, and then Tuesday I get to have my favorite OT/neighbor/drinking buddy Jen re-tape me. I can hardly wait...but it's better than having my butt taped every 3 days, just to keep me upright and walking!

So, no workout today and I feel like I'm on an uneven keel. Funny how working out an hour and 20 minutes a day keeps you on level...but my foot needs to be better.

Until then....

Funny Stuff...

From my Favorite Stupid Movie of the Moment: Dewey Cox:

"My clients come here to dance erotically, and they need a clean floor to do it on."

"You can take my kids, just leave me my monkey."

"Let's go trip acid with the Beatles."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Brick Day

Today's workout, according to my training schedule called for a Brick workout. That is, I rode my bike for 30 minutes. Every two minutes, I did an all out thirty second sprint, and then 'rested' for another 2 minutes. By rested, I mean my heart rate didn't get below 140. After the bike ride, I had to do a 15 minute run, same sprint drill. I have just realized how hilly my neighborhood is. That's what we get for living in the smack dab middle of a golf course.

I burned over 460 calories doing this, and I did it outside. It felt good and made me realize that if the weather in July is nice like today's, this triathalon just may not kill me. Hah!

On to do Ab work, but I had to write about my workout today. It holds me accountable knowing people are reading and the Hell is she going to do this triathalon thing anyway??

Thursday, April 17, 2008


I've been training hard lately. This week's workouts included Monday as a cycle class (I ran for 15 minutes beforehand), Tuesday was an interval swim, meaning I swam 8 75's (yards) with a 20 second rest in between. I swam a 400 or 12 laps as a warm up and to make sure that I got my 1/2 mile in too. On Tues. and Thurs. I did my swim workout, plus a 15 min/1.15 mile run plus weights and abs. I am damn tired.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really losing weight, but I'm toning enough. At 31, I am in the best shape of my life. The biggest compliment ever was when John asked two nights ago if I've lost weight. No dear, I really, really haven't. But I'm training hard, so stop making fun of my hip bones and knobby knees.

What I need from you, my peeps, is a list of things to think about as I am doing the triathalon. What thoughts should go thru my head? I got a bit freaked swimming today, because all the things I've been reading for training have swimming as the no.1 fear. I'm not afraid of water, but I'm afraid of someone trying to drown me so they can get ahead, which I've also read happens at some triathalons-but not likely the one that I'm doing.

So, to keep me from freaking, and to keep me motivated, I'm starting a list. What can I think about as I put my body up for this challenge? So far I've got:

1. Anger at that Damn Y chromosome. WHY is it that men CANNOT put laundry in the basket five feet from where they've laid their dirty drawers on the floor?

2. Happiness at how lucky/healthy/happy I am at this stage in my life. Look at all I've accomplished!

3. Look at all my friends and how blessed each one of them has made me feel. I am lucky to have all of them (even my online girlfriend that I've never met face to face) in my life and in my heart and soul.

4. Shit! What's for dinner when I get home?

Please help. What can/should I be thinking about as I 'exercise' for an hour and a half?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Quote of the Moment

"You know, alcohol as they say, makes you put down your prohibitions."

As seen and heard on Miss Rap Usa or some other dumb show. Talk about dumbing down our society for the masses!

I love stupidity!

Zoo Day!

It was FINALLY nice enough to start our monthly zoo trips. Here's a brief recap of the day in photos. You can't really tell, but Nate's cheeks are pink, pink pink, thanks to really fair skin, and sun/wind burn. I LOVE it!

Watering plants in the family play zoo....

Maddie the gardner.
Maddie runs from random waterbottle spraying.
Jack pets a Gecko aptly named "Freckles".

My favorite shot of the day. Baby hand. Cool.
Jack has wings.
Nate flies. Superman helps.
Taking care of his 'egg babies'.
Jack played photog in the Living Coast. Do you see the fish behind me?

More Jack as photog. Half my head is missing. It's too big and not very smart anyway. Good riddance. I look hideously pale otherwise. Gross.
Here fishy, fishy, fishy!
So, in the living coast, there's this "waterfall" thing where you stand under plexiglass and the water 'crashes' into you.
Maddie hates this part of the zoo.

It was an awesome day! I took the kiddos myself, but wouldn't mind a companion next time! Any takers?

Despite My Efforts to Prove Otherwise, I really DO Love Kite Flying

" I see children as kites. You spend A lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you are both breathless-they crash-they hit the rooftop-you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly. Finally they are airborne; they need more string and you keep letting it out. But with each twist of the ball of twine, there is sadness that goes with the joy. The kite becomes more distant, and you know it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you together and will soar as it is meant to soar, free and alone. Only then do you know you did your job."

Erma Bombeck

Monday, April 14, 2008


"Mom, I'm glad that when I was borned you choosed me to be a boy."
Yes, Jack, why is that?
"Because I don't like shots. And if I was a girl a doctor would have to cut babies out of my tummy. That would hurt.
Yes, son, it would. Glad I could help.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Open up And say......

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is gross. If you are a man don't bother. I don't want any snarky comments....
I went for my annual girl parts check on Friday. And by annual I mean the last time I went was my 6 week postpartem checkup with Maddie. Just been too busy. You know the drill with 3 little boogers running around. And you just CAN NOT bring them with to this one.
So I get to the office, almost excited because, while this check up is about as comfortable as a root canal, I got some kid free alone time. Sweet! Also, I get to see the woman nurse practictioner and not my regular doc. I love him, but mostly for delivering my babies in a timely healthy fashion.
As I am about to get semi-naked, the nurse informes me the Nurse prac has a student, and do I mind? Uh, no, I don't. Unless it's a 20 something year old hot guy. Then I take issue.
Now, when you have a student, here's what happens. She does a breast exam (very important, breast cancer runs in the family). Then the "teacher" goes behind her and does another breast exam. Then the student gets out her speculum and the REAL fun begins, because the breast exam is not the only twofer you get that day. The student begins to position said medieval torture device, while the teacher is standing behind her with binoculars on explaining the intricacies of human anatomy to her, and you realize while you're all stirruped up that the anatomy lesson is not a generalized topic, it is very specific to YOUR anatomy post 3 babies (because hoo ha's look different before and after, so I have recently discovered).
It could have been mortifying if I didn't find it necessary to crack jokes, but there I was telling these 2 older-ish women about my 3 darling children and by darling I mean I think they sprouted horns last week. It could have been mortifying enough right there, but then I had to ask if I in fact have roids. How would I know? So I got a hiney exam too, and made the 2 for 1 embarrassment spectacle complete. Why not? How much worse could it have been?
My only hope is I got some sort of discount. And if I didn't, well, I took more than my fair helping of the mini-Hershey dark chocolates they have at the checkout window. Chocolate does help when you feel just a bit violated.
Good times!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

He Shrimp Boated Me

I know this is a late post, but John is watching Forrest Gump, and I just couldn't help myself.

Last Thursday Jen brought Jack home from school. She brought him in, gave me "the look" and said, "He shrimp boated me the whole way home". Huh?

Turns out, the entire 10 minute car ride from school to home went something like: "And I got Bobba Fet from Star Wars, and Darth Vader, but I don't have Yoda and I have this storm trooper...etc". Ergo, all Jen could think of was" We got popcorn shrimp, friend shrimp, cajun shrimp...etc."

In retrospect, I get shrimp boated a lot during the day. How about you?

Friday, April 04, 2008

The Whole "As You Age" crisis, or subtitle:Why My Dentist is a DoucheBag

My dentist is a total douche. But, I love him. I had a root canal 6 months into Maddie's pregnancy (because what difference did it make after a week in Napa not knowing I was with child? Why not redo a mercury imbeded filling with x-rays? It couldn't harm her any more than I already had, right?). I actually recommended this guy very highly to my fellow "I hate Mouth pain" freak and they wound up sharing stories of growing up in Iowa and going to school at Iowa State AND he called her a pathetic loser because her post kids root canal was her "alone time without kids." But we both love him because we feel no pain during our dental work without kids alone time. (Run on Sentence, I know).

Back up and rewind. The guy is a great dentist. With a decent bedside manner. He kept calling Jack 'dude". I guess you can when you start college at age 16 you are young enough to call a peer's child "dude". BTW, he and my future fellow Mother in Law Jenny didn't know each other because he frequented the bars and she worked 3 jobs. But, that is more her story to tell than mine....

Anywhoooo...I had to see him for my 6 month cleaning, and Jack's. He has to have all this crazy paperwork for kindergarten, including a visit to an optometrist for an eye exam, so I will probably take him to Maddie's doc that did her eye surgery last summer---ugh. More runons...... He did need a dental appointment though, so away we went to our friend Dr. FeelGood

Long story short, but not really, he sees me. I have NO cavities. My oral hygiene is superb, except I overbrush and have sensitive teeth issues...because I OVERBRUSH. I am an oral hygiene freak.

But, then he says to Me:
Doc: Have you ever thought of straightening your bottom teeth?
Me: I had braces as a teenager.
Doc: And what? You never wore you retainer or what?
Me: (Thinking, okay cocky!): Yes, I did, then I got wisdom teeth and they moved. (See post for last summer regarding wisdom removal with ONLY a local anasthetic.)
Doc: Well, ....AS WE AGE....

And then I tuned him out. Apparently, as people age their teeth come to the front of their mouth and crowd it, horse like. So, I have been obsessively checking my mouth/teeth every few minutes to make sure I don't look like a horse. Because I am over 30, and a MAN said the phrase to me :Well....AS WE AGE". AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!

So now I look like an overaged horse with great hygiene, except my teeth are sensitive because I brush them enough to wear off the enamel because teeth are THE most important thing to notice about a person. You can tell volumes about a person depending their oral care, and I intend my first impression to be a good one. Minus the noticeable back fat, stretch marks, flat banana boobs from breast feeding, helmet head hair, pale complexion, and old lady bingo arms, but that is another issue I have to deal with and an entirely other blog too long for anyone but me to care about.

The point is, he said, "Well, as you begin to age..."
Dude, I am barely into my 30's! In the best shape of my life. And now, I will forever be thinking I look like a horse. Or a horse's ass (slight homage to my god rest his soul grandfather).

Sheesh. It doesn't help that John neighs and whinney's every time I enter the room.


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Just finished...

Reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns". What a great book, so well written, and I really hated it. I feel like a dirty over privileged American, but I feel a little more educated on human drama at least. It's a good book, a page turner, but don't expect a feel good story. Makes my life seem very inconsequential.

On another note, triathalon training is going well, but I have no computer to blog about it. Stealing time on John's work computer is a headache, so I try to reserve it for replying to e-mails and contacting friends new and old.

We are very busy here, but if anyone wants to call, a human female voice pumping me sunshine is always welcome!