Exhibitionists, Nudists, and the Freakshows In Between

It never fails. I'm at the gym, doesn't matter what time, and there's always "that girl". You know the one. The one who is perfectly coifed, perfectly made-up, perfectly in shape (but not manly looking) wearing the perfect work-out outfit to show off her thongs thru very tight pants and wearing nothing but a sports bra.

Enter the exhibitionist, strutting her stuff around the gym for all of us stay at home moms to glare at enviously (no way with that flat of a belly she has kids, and then OOOPS! You see her at the child center picking up her 2 perfect children...DAMN!). And then you hear her say to her kids..."Let's get McDonald's. Or do you want Wendy's?" WHAT???!!! How does she suffer junky fast food and look so good and know she looks so good? WHAT????

Onto the Nudist (figuratively, not literally!) Twice now, I have encountered the boldest offender. The one who walks around the locker room in a way I can't even bring myself to walk around in my own bedroom when nobody's home. She doesn't care, she brushes naked, dries her hair naked, does naked makeup application, and then, at the last second decides that clothing in 32 degree weather is unfortunately, not optional. Today she was on her cell phone dropping F-Bombs like crazy. For this, there was only partial nudity, but still.

The gym nudists are either gorgeous, or brave. I like the brave ones myself. The flabby old ladies who really don't give a damn about who's checking out their bingo arms as they dry off, and shuffle (not saunter) from one end of the locker room to the next. It's almost like they might forget to put their clothes on, but their best friend Doris gives a nudge and they put on their polyester pants and go to Mick D's for a coffee with all the old men (by the way, what IS it with old men and McD's coffee?)

The gorgeous nudists leave the rest of us to stealing furtive glances-etiquette requires us to pretend we're not looking, even though it's exactly what they want. So I adjust my i-pod, or nursing pads or whatever frumpy mom get-up I have on that day and think "Damn! If I didn't have kids, I could SOOO look like that! Firm perky boobs! (Not droopy, breastfeeding bananas). Flat, toned Belly! (Not a stretch mark in sight). Unjiggly Thighs! (Leftover baby cellulite begone!).

And then I think of the poor "FreakShows", those clowns in the middle. The dorks you all grew up with... Oh, you know the ones. The ladies doing "Routines" on the treadmills. The guy doing some new Brazillian dance workout in the middle of everyone else trying to run their 5k's. The old man grunting and throwing out his back every time he lifts a heavy weight that he shouldn't. Bless their hearts for working out and all that jazz, however they should know that if they're not a nudist, or an exhibitionist, they are the 'freakshow' person just trying to get noticed.

And you thought I go to the gym to workout and better my health? No way, people watching rocks!