Dear Church...

Dear Church and Churchy People,

So, you've noticed I come every Sunday, and you want me to join. I've been staving you off now, for what, 3 years? The problem is, I don't want to join your little "society". I can't. I don't have the time, energy, affliction, or whatever it takes to be part of something. I bring my kids every Sunday so that they know there is something greater than themselves 'out there'. But here, Church, is my DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
Every Sunday we come, we pray, we sing. For the first 10 minutes, I have my minions with me. And then, after what you call "Angel Ministry" (a misnomer for sure if you took 2 second to really witness the wrestle mania happening under your noses at the alter IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYONE, I send the beasts to the nursery to play. And then, in the quiet of the back row, I have 45 minutes of quiet 'me' time.

Sometimes I doze. Sometimes I try to think of answers to the crossword in the Sunday Trib. Sometimes I Thank God for the peace of the moment since every other day I have a child up my ass 24/7. I get what I need out of church for sure, and I don't need to 'join' to prove it.

I donate a couple bucks every week for offering, don't worry. My envelopes are the ones that Nate has already drawn all over. Scribbles are the hallmarks of our good will and good fortune, tho some weeks I'd rather buy groceries than tithe. I'm sure you understand.

Your classes for new members would probably kick me out after I voice my opinion. Not to mention that 7:00 on a weekday is hard for me, even if you provide babysitting since my kids are in bed by 7:30.

One more thing: I am probably the WORST possible person you could have asked to mentor a 6th grader going into their confirmation class. Unless you are having trouble with teen pregnancy and birth control (in which case send them over for a couple of days, and my kids will straighten their sinning asses right out) you really don't want me influencing the youth of tomorrow. For Christs sake (pun intended) I can hardly influence my own kids enough to eat their green veggies!

So, just lay off me for a bit. I'll muddle through my own beliefs, I'll keep bringing the kids, and everyone will be happy. I promise.

Sincerely,

A Sinner who refuses to say "Jesus forgives Me" because that just shows I refuse to take responsibility for my own actions. Hey, if it's okay for Michael Vick to kill dogs with his bare hands because Jesus forgave him, then I'm putting my trust in Buddah.